What social connections, communities, or events would you love to build or attend that you currently avoid initiating or developing?
What images flick through your mind when you imagine yourself in upcoming social situations?
What feelings do you get when you think about reaching out to initiate a connection with someone you would like to get to know?
What do you remember about yourself socially throughout your childhood?
Once we reach adulthood it can be hard to make new friends or strengthen connections. Anxiety and fear of rejection hold us back from the connection and belonging we most desire. Is an experience from your past holding you back from feeling confident socially now?
There are many great therapeutic tools to facilitate social confidence. Imagery rescripting is a tool in therapy whereby the therapist supports the individual in creating new mental movies about past experiences. Research shows this to be beneficial for helping people who are anxious in social situations (as well as other areas of anxiety). People with social anxiety or confidence issues frequently report early childhood memories of being bullied, excluded, shamed, or humiliated in social situations. The therapist helps reproduce the movie enabling the individual to feel more empowered. This might include standing up against a bully, transforming the shame associated with a particular memory, or finding the skills to approach a group successfully or find new friends.
This is useful because the person is soothed for their emotions at the time, heard, and understood. They are also provided with the support and skills that were needed at the time to handle the situation effectively. Imagery rescripting with a trained psychologist is experienced by the individual as if their needs were met even though in real time, they were not.
For example, I was working with a client who appeared outwardly confident and at ease socially. She instigates new friendships and provides the glue in her long-term friendships. When you meet her, she's warm, charming, and lovely to talk with. Yet underneath she rarely feels at ease, even with her closest friends. Together we completed several processes of imagery rescripting. One such memory included visiting her extended family on their farm at Christmas when she was approximately 12 years old. Many extended family members were staying for the weekend including her older cousins.
The client started to cry as she recalled feeling completely disconnected from different family members. She stated that she felt intimidated by her older cousins and that her cousins told her older sister that they "thought she was boring". Tears streamed down her cheeks. She noticed tightness in her chest and a huge lump blocking her throat.
Then her attention shifted to her grandma. She realised that she could not connect with her grandma. Her adult self knew that her grandma was painfully shy as her mother had told her this. Nonetheless, she couldn't understand why her grandma had a close connection with her older cousin but not with her. "Why couldn't she connect with me? What is wrong with me?" she cried.
She noticed that she never felt "at home" in her grandparents' house. She was never able to relax and be herself. She felt anxious about doing the wrong thing so say quietly by her parents' side. She was too timid to go to the kitchen cupboards to get herself food. She felt left out of conversations. She felt unable to join in activities with her cousins.
With her permission, I invited her to imagine me as an adult entering her grandparent's home with her when she was a young girl. I said I noticed she looked uncomfortable, left out, and disconnected from her family. Tears again fell down her cheeks. I asked her what she was sad about. She said, " I wish my grandmother had a close relationship with me too". "Why can't she have a relationship with me too".
We talked about her grandma's shyness - that they were both shy and it was difficult for either person to reach out. I reassured her I would show her how to build a relationship with her grandma. We talked about how relationships take time, with each person sharing about themselves, and finding things in common. I encouraged her to start telling her about what she was doing at the moment that was fun in her life. I suggested she ask her grandma if she could help her cook. I told her they didn't have to talk all the time to grow a friendship-they could do tasks together on the property instead.
Next, she imagined herself initiating the relationship with her grandma - having the courage to reach out, give her warm hugs, and be the one who drives the relationship. This helped her understand the importance of initiating connection rather than always waiting for others to initiate connection.
What has held you back from feeling confident socially?
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